A freakin' bus just got thru ramming into my truck..

..must drink...

I had to add some lyrics.. I found these on a CD that was left in my truck last night..

"
hold on to me love
you know i can't stay long
all i wanted to say was i love you and i'm not afraid
can you hear me?
can you feel me in your arms?

holding my last breath
safe inside myself
are all my thoughts of you
sweet raptured light it ends here tonight

i'll miss the winter
a world of fragile things
look for me in the white forest
hiding in a hollow tree (come find me)
i know you hear me
i can taste it in your tears

holding my last breath
safe inside myself
are all my thoughts of you
sweet raptured light it ends here tonight

closing your eyes to disappear
you pray your dreams will leave you here
but still you wake and know the truth
no one's there

say goodnight
don't be afraid
calling me calling me as you fade to black"

I'm not gonna be updating this anymore.. atleast not for a good long time.. If anyone wants to get ahold of me or find out anythin', you should know how.. I was wanting to post a song or something to add a little bit more length to my final post, but I didn't want anything to be interpretted in a bad way or anything. Goodnite and good day..

Current Mood: good
Current Music: Seven Mary Three - Cumbersome

NevEriMpOsSiBlEr: hey man, I just wanted to say that I just got the Overground cd.. (had it on the notify list for when it came back into stock), and I've been listening to it all day long.. Great stuff.. Can't wait to get your new one..
ZackHex: thanks!
NevEriMpOsSiBlEr: your welcome.. Now I can say I've spoken to the greatest musician around, too! I can't wait to go tell my friends, heh..
ZackHex: ha, thanks again
NevEriMpOsSiBlEr: Yea, I've had you on my BL for a couple months now, waiting on something halfway worthwhile to say to you so that I could say that I've talked to you..
ZackHex: word
NevEriMpOsSiBlEr: I'm glad you got that order thing on your site now, too.. I ordered your other CD last night, as soon as I found out
ZackHex: badass
NevEriMpOsSiBlEr: Yea, I love your new layout, too.. Only thing I might suggest is a volume thing on your opening page.. I could keep it there for hours at a time.. I've got a set of speakers without much of a manual volume control on my other PC, so it's pretty loud to be listenin' to this late at night.. (I'm in the East, here)
ZackHex: coolio, good suggestion

Just had to post this before I format..

What a weekend.. So I'm up right now.. The earliest I've gotten to bed in the past few nights now is 4.. and other than last night, I've not broken 5 hours of sleep a night in the past ..couple of weeks now? I dunno, really.. it seems like forever.

Thursday night, I didn't get into bed 'til 7 or 8, I don't think, and I was up at 10.. On 'suicide watch' for the second time in my life - the first time it was actually my fault, though.. Came home after giving Becki some of the last of her stuff, felt the emptiness in my pocket from where her keys used to be.. ..it's still painful to look at them, now..

..to make a long story short, I washed some pills down with some alcohol, and had fully intended to continue doing so throughout the night until my heart exploded, but Corbin ended up coming over to get me.. ..ended up spending the rest of the night with him and Daniel, and it seemed like I spent most of the evening outside of Atlanta Bread Company talking with Daniel..

..and now, I'm in Kentucky.. sittin' on Wendy's PC at 3 in the morn'.. Corbin and I were supposed to be going hiking this weekend, but he decided to bail on me.. And there wasn't anyone else that I could call..

Just watched Lord of the Rings for the first time.. Clark and I watched a good bit of it, sat there drinkin' on some Mich Ultra's.. They went off to bed a couple hours ago, now.. And I guess I should try to do the same.. Think I might take a few minutes outside to smoke me a cig before I pop in another movie or somethin' and try to get Puck to watch it with me.. 'Cuz to be honest, I don't really feel like sleeping right now.

Current Mood: thoughtful

My biggest pet-peeve/annoyance..

When someone I really care for looks at me and tells me that they'll call me, it hurts alot, then after I've sat around hurt by the fact that they could tell me they'd call and then not, I'll start getting agitated.. It just annoys me to know end that someone that I really care for like I care for.. two people, really.. Could 'treat me?' that way..

That is the one of the most-painful experiences for me.. Sitting at home alone, waiting for a call that I'm not getting..

Current Mood: hurt

I've been drinking for several days straight now, it seems.. I can't even pass out anymore.. I sleep to a nightmare and wake up to an even greater one..

A few weeks ago, I had the most horrid nightmare.. It was like watching myself.. I had no control and I was just stuck there, watching.. Like Scrooge seeing the future, past, and present.. Except I would hope to hell it isn't my future or anything..

I was watching myself for awhile, and I finally came to the conclusion that I was gay.. or.. that the me that I was watching was, anyways.. And I was gay with someone I can't stand.. Gordon's friend Brian, a really tall, stupid, wigger.. I never saw 'me' kiss him or anything, but it was just a freaky way I carried myself that gave it away.. I gave off the 'gay aura'... I don't really remember too many details, except that at one point, I took off my shirt and gave it to him, asking him to 'fill it up'.. I shortly awoke later, wishing someone was by my side that I could hold and that would assure me I'm not gay..

..not that I need any assurance, because I do know that I'm not, it's just that somehow that has plagued me for days now.. I cannot sleep.. The most I've slept in 4-5 days now is 5 hours.. The earliest I think I fell asleep was around 1:30 or 2, and that was after downing a 6-pack.. I wake up around 4 or 5, it seems, or I have tossing and turning, sleepless nights.. I wake up and I realize I'm alone.. Sometimes I think it's still a dream, and yet I am never sure until I can't get back to sleep for awhile, seeing how tired I am.. feeling it.. By lunch time today, I was about to fall over from feeling so tired.. I got off, tried to eat something, but I guess I chose the wrong place to go.. I tried stopping by the shell and talking to Becki for awhile..

But I ask too many questions. I can't help it. It seems I go for days at a time now, without hardly even hearing from her.. At first, I had tried to honor her request to give her time.. Yet I couldn't even do that.. I can't keep myself from wanting to hear from her.. Half the time, after I text her, I barely get a response, though.. It hurts me so much every time I see her to find out that I end up pissing her off in someway, or upsetting her with my questions.. I've been trying to convince her to join us on the hiking trip I've been trying to plan out.. But she couldn't get off for that.. I just dunno..

I stopped by the store and tried to relax and get a bite to eat.. Talked to her for a little while, until my questions got annoying and she got agitated with me.. She fixed me some food, and I tried to eat it, but after trying to sit next to her with her not wanting to hardly talk to me or anything, I had lost my appetite.. That horrible feeling had returned to my stomach. I came home and drank a beer with dad, discussing the store.. Talked to Wendy a little.. She started textin' me, asking if I'd heard from Corbin (which I still haven't). I'm hungry again, but I dunno what, or even if I could eat.

Current Mood: sad

I haven't slept 5 hours in the past 4 or 5 nights now..

Friday, I found myself up late at night, watching movies, 'cuz I was unable to get to sleep, even though I was incredibly tired.. Saturday, I drove Corbin up to Kentucky, and we ended up staying with Wendy for the night.. We were watching Good Will Hunting until 5.. And I promptly woke up at 9 to the soft cries of Baby Cleo.. We hung out at Clark's store for awhile, and played hours of Lord of the Rings Risk.. Clark's store had a couple shirts I almost got, but I didn't want to bother him since he'd already closed everything out.. One I wanted to get for Becki, since she had went after one like it earlier and failed.. And the other was just extremely funny..

On an interesting note, Clark's store makes custom shirts, and the some black guy was shot and killed in a gang-shooting the night before.. there were blacks comin' in all day, tellin' Clark that "Nigga had it coming" and buying "in memory of Tata" shirts.. We looked through the pile of 'em and there was even one that said something along the lines of "All of you that had beef with my nigga will be gettin' yours"

Today really sucked.. I woke up at 7, without the alarm, and ended up sitting around doing nothing, all day long. I tried calling Corbin, who had told me he'd call me.. And he never answered.. I took a short trip to Cades Cove to relax for awhile.. Got my new CD's today.. (I decided to try to semi-switch my listening.. Bought 5 much-easier-listening-types..) Took a ride, listening to relaxing music.. I stood beside my great-grandfather's grave for awhile and just thought..

In the end, though, I had to come back.. And sit around, bored, for several more hours..

How do you tell someone that you can't live without them? That you spend every day you're without them, you spend wanting to see them, wishing you're with them.. unable to keep yourself from getting ahold of them.. How do you say that you can't sleep right without them by your side?

I'm wide awake now, at 4 in the morn'.. I went by the store several times today, wishing I could talk to her, but not wanting to for her sake.. Just wishing she'd wanna talk to me.. By the third time, it wasn't my choice.. I picked up Corbin, and on the way out, he told me to stop..

..when I got home, I sent her a couple texts, apologizing for not speaking to her, trying to tell her that I just want her to have her time.. ..But just like when I tried pouring my heard out to her, I recieved no reply.

Current Mood: empty

I just got a call.. I wonder if/when I'll get to bed tonight..

(Well, I suppose it would've been late, anyways.. I was tryin' to watch The Godfather, Part 2...)